Melancholia.

I was completely smitten by what I've heard last night. (what I've read pla).
our conversation only shows that three forsaken and hopeless years is still worth waiting. and it made me realize how i lorve this person big time, for even after all these years, I'm still way too far from the inevitable 'maturity value'. it seems to me that i will never be able to reach my expiration date in longing for this person... there's still the spark, the th-th-thump of the heart and there's still the "uyy.kilig" moments lurking. HE'S STILL THE ONE. i must admit that I almost made it to my 'idiotic- self'. you see, while i was killing myself for three years (magfo-four na pla)just to have his slightest presence, there he was, completely enchanted by her looks, her everything.(ah yeah. the other girl.ü.) Love quotes are indeed cliche, but somehow real. why do we keep on longing for someone who doesn't recognize our worth?...
.
.
"i think i LikE hEr,."
i didn't have the guts and balls to ask for the identity of "her" last night. okay. we're friends. nothing more. nothing less. i'll just have to accept the fact that whoever that girl is, she's one hell of a lucky bastard. and so, i pretended to act similar. as if nothing's wrong. but in reality, im slowly losing my last remaining sanity. ugh. life really isn't fcukin' fair.
.
.
.
.
.
.
postscript: do we really have to exchange talambuhay? err. sorry if i wasn't able to. cause my life is everything you are..."




Its not as easy as you think. Letting go. Surrendering the fight and stop hoping. It is actually more of asking me to create a whole a new individual out of nothing.
i saw this article in my sentbox in friendster account dated 07-07-2008 with the subject, "basted na ko boi." Only to see myself 1 month and one day after that day eating with him and sharing nondescript stuffs and actually found myself enjoying the entire moment and creating a euphoric fantasies out of it. You see, he eally had this habit of making me fall for him over and over again. And it is too painful that despite the emotions attached, he took everything for granted.

April 25 2009. i really dont know what pushed me to ask him the billion dollar worth question. (funny. for this really had nothing to do with price. It is actually priceless, you see.) Well, my fate was in the hands of this person. The rules was simple. I've got to ask him a few questions and he simply would have to give me the most honest answer he could give. And so I thought. I actually spent couple of sleepless nights constructing the right words, the appropriate sentence that would not yield and reveal the feelings attached to it all the while. It was simple, you see? "ano ba talaga ako sa'yo?" This does not appeared all of a sudden. It was just that I realized that I have to give myself some worth and to stop this insanity by confirming the real score between us, IF ever there really is.

Fair enough. "FRIENDS LANG TALAGA. AT ALAM MO NAMAN NA DIN KUNG BAKIT. KAYA NO FURTHER EXPLANATION IS NEEDED RIGHT?" how sweet. and absolutely pathetic. I was really the insane hoodlum who keeps on making an illusion that there is something goin on between us. Well infact it is actuall a mere "kaibigan-kasi-kita" gesture.
I try to hide the pain from everyone, but it is quite inevitable to a traditional melodrama like this. The usual scenario wherein you could almost kill yourself by loving someone too much and yet it all went down the drain. whew. Nice.

I guess this is the most lethal investment of all. An emotional investment wherein you really have not earned profit at all. Five long years was supposd to be a good start for a relationship with someone who deserve you better. And yet, nothing happened. and for the sake of martyrdom,I gained nothing but the little happiness i feel being his "friend".

you know what? I reall have no right at all to be mad at you. You just said the truth. And I even thanked you for that. Kaya lang, there is really no need for further explanation. WE do not owe each other an explanation. And it's up to me how should i accept it. The thing is, i accepted it painfully.
:(

Strangers. That is.

I don't wanna see your face.I don't wanna hear your name.I don't wannt a thing
Just stay away. I don't wanna know if you're alright. Or what you're doin' with your life. I don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch baby.
I'll get by just fine. And if you're goin' then,Goodbye.

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more.Don't expect me to be there. Don't think that it will be the way it was before. Don't think that I care. I'M NOT OVER YOU YET. And i dont want to be your friend.

I'll forget we ever met. I'll forget I ever let you into this heart of mine baby.You just gotta let me be. You gotta keep away from me because all I want is just to be free from you baby. Don't you come around and say you still care about me. Just go now, go now.

You take it casually,and it's killing me.Goodbye, goodbye.

Don't call me. Don't come around.And I don't wanna be your friend.

indifferent.

"how i wish girl,. naku. i want the best for you lang naman eh. if he makes you happy, there's nothing else in the world that i'd want for you maliban sa kanya. but i dont want you to continuously love someone who doesnt love you even half as much.
kasi you're amazing. and maybe, someone out there can love you more. treat you better. and make up for all the emotional capital that didnt yield profit at all" (aguilar,2009).


I have got to instill these words in my mind. and so as to close the door of whichever this leads to, fight the urge to clear things up, leave some questions unanswered, resist the aftermath of being forsaken, and BEING INDIFFERENT.

My apologies. But i guess this is where we are leading afterall. i just dont want to make it hard for ourselves.

Yeah. It's pathetic. But'll be over sooner or later.
i guess we I just have to wait for the time when apathy will reign.

transient.i

everything changed.
and so are you.
and yet you are not.